Forever Was Never 'til Now
by Lillybellis
Summary: Edward loses everything when he abandons Bella to keep her safe and alive. When he returns and sees what her life is like without him, he questions everything he's ever believed. Will his love be strong enough to bring them back together? **New Moon AU**
1. She Believed

**Back in December, I participated in the Twilight Gift Exchange. I wrote this short story for GinnyW_31, who wanted to see a Twi-related retelling of _It's A Wonderful Life_. This is what I came up with. There are seven chapters, and I will be posting one each day. I hope you enjoy it, and thank you for reading!**

**Prologue - S(he) Be(lie)ve(d) **

* * *

_Dear Father in Heaven, I'm not a praying man, but if you're up there and you can hear me...show me the way...I'm at the end of my rope, and I...show me the way._

- George Bailey

* * *

Edward Cullen sat with his back pressed firmly against the sturdy trunk of an aged spruce tree, his legs folded up against his chest, his arms curled tightly around himself. He began to rock back and forth, the steel of his back knocking against the wood, hoping to drown out the sound of her frantic breaths and the way her voice sounded, hoarse and broken, as the wind carried his name from her lips.

Edward placed his palms on the cold, wet earth, clenching his fingers around the roots of the old spruce as if they somehow held the strength necessary to keep him from going to her. He wanted nothing more than to go to her; to confess his lies, to tell her he wanted to be with her forever. But he would not do that, for he loved her far too much to confine her to his world. He was darkness, and she deserved light.

"Edward," she called, her words rough and pleading. "Please don't leave me. Don't go...I love you. We can-"

He heard her cry as she stumbled and fell, his dead heart twisting in a hundred different directions, each one begging him to follow a path back to her, to make things right while he still could. But every moment that passed and every inch that separated them brought her closer to a normal life.

Edward knew that Bella would move on eventually. He would break her heart now, but one day soon she would love a man with flesh and blood; a man with a heart that beat for her, a heart that hadn't been silenced by death over one hundred years ago. She'd find her soulmate, a man with an actual soul, one that hadn't been stolen from him when he'd had no say in the matter. She'd feel the kiss of a man whose lips were warm with life and love, and who could give her everything that Edward couldn't.

Yes, he was positive he was doing the right thing. Edward would gladly endure this pain a thousand times over if it meant Bella could live a long, happy, human life. Her happiness had been all he ever cared about, and he had selfishly thought he could be the one to provide it. In the end, she'd realize he wasn't worth it, and he would do anything to save her that regret.

"Edward, don't do this. Please, don't do this," she cried, her breath and scent hanging heavily in the humid air. His resistance was fading, and his will wavered with every plea she made. He questioned his intentions every time she called his name.

Edward heard the distinct crack of the tree root as he snapped it, and he wondered what in the hell was taking his family so long. He couldn't stay here with Bella, and he couldn't leave her alone until she was safe. He longed to scream, to break something, to make anything hurt as much as he did. He shook his head, realizing his selfishness once again. In this moment, his pain did not matter; it did not exist. All he could think about was Bella. Once he left the forest, he'd have all the time in the world to mourn her, and that was exactly what he planned to do.

He reached up to cover his ears, to shield himself from the frantic beating of her heart; a sound so familiar to him that he knew he could pinpoint it in a city full of people. It was a rhythm he would never escape, no matter how hard he tried. Like everything else about her, it was permanently ingrained in his memory. Like the beating of a drum, he could feel it pulsing through the air around him, reverberating against his skin.

Edward sobbed, low and desperate, as he buried his face into his thigh to drown everything out. But she was there, too. Her smell permeated the fabric of his pants, and he was nearly dizzy from it. He longed to go to her, to pick her up and hold her close, to bury his face in her hair. He wanted to drop to his knees before her and tell her he'd been a liar and a coward.

As he heard her stumble through the bracken, the pull he felt toward her was too strong. He stood, bits of grass and mud falling from his fingertips, and turned in the direction from which he could hear her breathing. His eyes stung with tears he could not shed, and he gripped his hair tightly, warring with himself. He loved her. He needed to save her. He had to leave her. He wanted to stay. He couldn't do this, he wasn't strong enough-

Edward. A calm, soothing voice lilted clearly through his panic, a tone he would know anywhere. Carlisle's fingertips rested gently on Edward's shoulder, and he looked up into his father's troubled face. Go, he thought, nodding in the direction toward their home. I'll make sure she's safe. I'll stay as long as it takes for someone to find her. Just...go.

Edward needed no further encouragement, for he knew the longer he stood there the more likely he was to stay. He ran on weak legs through trees and moss, and with each step he fought his instinct to turn around and return to Bella. It was the hardest journey he'd ever had to make, even though it was only the beginning.

When he finally reached his family's back yard, he paused for a moment before picking up a large boulder which lay along the perimeter of the clearing. He threw it with all his might, cracking several towering trees with its force. He sighed, knowing that he could level every tree in the Olympia National Forest and that would not bring him as much peace as one touch of Bella's hand.

Edward collapsed then, weary, and loosed an ear splitting scream, wincing as his anguish shook the leaves in the trees surrounding him. He felt a pair of strong arms move across his shoulders, wrapping him in a tight embrace, but he shook them off quickly. He wanted the feel of Bella's arms around him to be the last touch he remembered.

Esme whispered soothing words to her son, running her fingers through his hair carefully as she watched his heart break. "Everything will be okay," she whispered with unneeded words, the palm of her hand coming to rest on the side of his face. Her thumb gently stroked his cheek, where tears would've flowed if he were able to shed them. "I love you, Edward. Everything will be all right."

Edward hummed loudly, attempting to drown out her words of comfort. He didn't deserve them. It was then that he felt the full force of the monster he truly was. A monster who gave a girl his love and then took it away in an instant; a monster who broke her heart. No, there would be no soothing Edward tonight. He wanted to feel everything he'd done. He wanted to keep it with him forever, as a reminder of what he'd wreaked when he'd tried so hard to be something he wasn't. Good. Human.

Edward had made Bella a thousand promises, and he'd broken nearly every one of them within the span of five minutes. But there was one, the most important of them all, that he vowed he would keep.

It would be as if he never existed.


	2. The Beginning

**Chapter One - The Beginning**

* * *

_You've been given a great gift, George. A chance to see what the world would be like without you. _- Clarence Oddbody

* * *

Edward sunk into the soft leather seat of his car, his head pressed firmly against the headrest. He closed his eyes tightly, like he always did when he was trying to remember. He strained against the blurred remnants of his memory; like looking at a photograph displayed at the bottom of a crystal-clear lake. The small rifts in the water made everything look a bit warped, but he could still see the most important parts, even though the details were always fuzzy.

Edward thought fondly of his love for exploration when he was a young boy, and the way his mother would worry when he disappeared to discover new paths in the small bits of forest the city provided. If he tried hard enough, he could see a faint glimpse of his mother's face before it was gone, disappearing as if someone had skipped a rock across the surface of the water he was looking into.

An exasperated sigh escaped Edward's lips as he flipped a small compass gently between his fingers. He knew his father had given it to him on his sixteenth birthday, however the details of that day always loomed menacingly above him; confusing, and just barely out of reach. He allowed his fingers to trace the engraved letters that graced the back of the compass, elegant script etched across smooth, sturdy silver.

_Not till we are completely lost do we truly begin to find ourselves._

Edward was so very lost.

He'd left his family before nightfall the day he abandoned Bella in the forest. After he filled the gas tank of his Volvo, he'd driven down endless stretches of highway, the car's motor protesting under his leaden foot. He was in Maine before he stopped for any real length of time, and it was there that he traded in his car for another; one that wasn't a time capsule torturing him with Bella's scent and memory.

Edward hadn't seen a familiar face in nearly three months. He'd driven aimlessly across the country, West to East and North to South, believing that as long as he was running _toward _something, he couldn't focus on what he was running _from_. That had been his plan, at least, until he'd crossed the Arizona State line. He went straight to Phoenix, hidden from the desert sun by the darkly tinted windows of his new car. It was there, in the parking lot of the hotel where Alice, Jasper and Bella had stayed the first time Edward had put Bella's life in danger, where he finally stopped to think.

In the dark of the desert night, Edward opened the trunk of his car and pulled out one of the few boxes full of his belongings he'd brought with him on his journey. He'd packed only those things which were irreplaceable: his old journals, along with the few trinkets he'd inherited from his mother and father. As he rummaged through his history not knowing what he was looking for, the compass fell out of the velvet-lined box it had rested safely in for ninety years. Not surprisingly, it pointed North.

As he stared at the tiny arrow, he recalled words Carlisle had spoken to him on many occasions. Edward's adoptive father had always been so full of wisdom, and never once in their many years as companions had Carlisle ever steered him wrong. "The surest way to make sense of things, Edward," he'd say, "is to begin at the beginning."

They were such obvious, simple words, for Carlisle wasn't a complicated man. He was unwavering, a rock. Edward wished, for the first time in months, that he were with his family. So, with a heavy heart and a determined spirit, Edward started on a journey to find himself again. He drove through the night to begin at the beginning: the place where he had let the first of many secrets float from his lips to Bella's ears. Port Angeles.

He parked his car on the narrow, winding street across from _La Bella Italia_, the restaurant he'd taken Bella to the second time he'd saved her life. The right side of Edward's lips curled up almost imperceptibly at the thought of the accident-prone girl who had captivated him, who had an unparalleled propensity to attract danger. A moment of panic gripped him when he remembered that he'd relinquished all rights to keep her safe the day he'd told her the greatest of lies.

Edward closed his eyes, concentrating extraordinarily hard to drown out the din of the shoppers lining the sidewalk beside him, and the unrelenting dinging of the Salvation Army bell being rung by the stout man dressed like Santa Claus in front of the five and dime. He heard the rustling of shopping bags, the cheerful voices of children as they added to their wish lists in their heads. Soft white lights twisted up and down the lamp posts in town, casting a serene glow on the concrete underneath the cloudy Washington sky.

There was a point, not too long ago, when Christmas had been Edward's favorite time of year. As someone who was subjected to every petty little thought humans had (and they had many), it was a pleasant change for him to hear them being thoughtful, planning gifts and surprises for their loved ones. Now though, every thought around him invaded his mind like a jackhammer, annoying and loud. It was impossible to escape.

He wondered briefly if it would be odd for him to go inside and request the same table he and Bella sat at together so many months ago. Edward discarded that thought almost immediately and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, leaning forward in his seat to rest his head against the smooth plane of the steering wheel.

Uncertainty clouded Edward's thoughts. He had no idea what he had hoped to accomplish by coming back here. He didn't even dare to venture to the Cullen house on the outskirts of Forks, for he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to resist following the winding roads straight to the Swan residence. If he saw her, just for one instant, he'd never be able to look back again. He'd been foolish to think returning to Washington could bring him any modicum of closure.

Edward would stay away from Bella. He'd had the strength to resist her blood, and he'd had the strength to leave her, to do what was right for her to keep her safe. He could pick up the pieces of his shattered existence and leave her be. He could do it. He _had_ to do it.

As if fate had sensed a moment of weakness on Edward's part, on cue, in the flurry of thoughts around him, he heard it clear as day. A gratingly familiar voice violated his ears; a voice belonging to none other than Jessica Stanley. He straightened in his seat so quickly that his head nearly shot through the roof of the car. Taking pains to calm himself, he turned his head to look across the street, near the entrance of the restaurant. Jessica was standing there with Angela Weber.

The two girls had their hands shoved into their overstuffed coat pockets. Jessica's eyebrows quirked up in annoyance, and Angela's face was riddled with apprehension. It was then that Angela's thoughts nearly stabbed Edward to the core. She was thinking of a girl who bore a strong resemblance to his Bella. Only this girl's skin was pallid; her cheeks were sunken in, the light in her eyes was extinguished, and her spirit was gone.

Edward retched fruitlessly, more disgusted with himself in that moment than he had been in his hundred years. It amazed him. Even when he didn't think he could feel like any more of a monster, he still managed to step further into Hell with every wound he'd inflicted on the woman that he loved. When he left her he'd taken part of her with him, and it was damage that could never be undone.

_We shouldn't have let her eat alone_, Angela thought as her mind wandered to the fight she and Jessica had earlier in the day, when the three girls decided to split up so that Jessica could finish her precious Christmas shopping. Edward was thankful that Bella had at least one caring friend, who worried about her well-being instead of being concerned with ticking off items from a shopping list.

Everything within Edward's body twisted into a knot when he realized that Bella was indeed in Port Angeles, only steps away from where he was sitting. Perhaps she'd come to visit for the same reason he had, too. Maybe she'd wanted to find a little bit of peace in remembering the times they'd spent together, hoping to rewrite history. But there was no way to go back in time, no matter how many times they revisited that restaurant.

Edward gripped the sides of the leather seat tightly as the neatly sewn seams gave way, hoping to find the will to stay in the car, to start it up and drive away before he saw her. He panicked; his resolve was melting away like the first winter snow under the scorching heat of the sun.

Angela lifted the hood of her coat up to cover her head from the snow, which had just begun falling lightly across the bustling small-town streets.

"We should go in and get her," Jessica said curtly, but she needn't have spoken.

In an instant, Bella flooded Edward's senses: her smell, her presence, the steady beating of her heart - a heart that had once belonged to him. Being the selfish creature that he was, Edward wondered, deep down inside, if that wonderfully warm, caring heart still _did _belong to him.

Edward could feel every bit of her from where he was, even though they were separated by walls, people, and the length of a street. Her scent, the irresistible scent that had first lured him to her, the one that nearly ended her life, wafted through the chilly air as if it were made for only him. Now, so many months later, that scent was no longer torture. It was comfort. It was life. It was _home_.

Edward watched the restaurant with intense eyes as the door creaked open slowly. His breath caught as he saw her then. Once-fitted clothing sagged off of a gaunt frame, and dull brown hair hung limply over slumped shoulders. She was different then he'd left her; broken, but still so breathtakingly beautiful in his eyes.

The metal of the door handle creaked beneath Edward's iron grip as he summoned every bit of strength he had left within him not to break the door off its hinges and go to Bella, to hold her, to tell her he loved her over and over again. He longed to kiss her and bring her back to life.

But he couldn't. Because his love would be the death of her, and his happiness would ultimately be her pain. Because there would always be something threatening her fragile human body, and as much as he loved her, he could not protect her from everything. _Especially_ his family. So he sat and watched her from afar, cursing what he was, and longing for everything he could never have.

_Bella_.


	3. Reconnecting

**Chapter Two - Reconnecting**

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_Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?_ - Clarence Oddbody

* * *

Bella held herself tightly against the onslaught of the cold as small, fluffy flurries blew around her. The light wind whipped her hair across her face, and despite everything Edward had put her through, there, in the soft glow of the Christmas lights that hung along the entryway to the restaurant, he thought she looked just like an angel.

He eased his grip on his door handle, choosing instead to take his frustrations out on himself, clenching his hands together so he didn't run across the street, scoop her delicate body into his arms, and never, ever let her go. He knew he couldn't do that though, because he'd let her believe the worst of all lies, and if he went to her now, it would've all been for naught. Edward knew things would be rough on her for a while after he left, and he was sad to see that he had been correct in that assumption. But it was the beginning of her healing process, and her soul was more important to him than his own happiness. He loved her too much to ruin her for a second time.

"I don't get your obsession with this Restaurant, Bella," Jessica snapped, removing a hand from her pocket and placing it expectantly on her hip. "You want to come here all the time, but like…no one from school comes here. It's just like…moms and dads and stuff. I don't get it."

Bella looked sheepishly at the ground, digging her hands further into her pockets as she kicked a pebble with her sneaker. Edward wanted to choke Jessica Stanley. He wondered how many times Bella had come back here, to the place they'd had their first pseudo-date, because Jessica had just made it very clear that she'd been here more than once. Perhaps Bella was just as lost as Edward was. She didn't need a compass to find herself like Edward did. Bella always led with her heart, and that was one of the things Edward loved most about her.

Angela looked out towards the street, almost directly at his car, as a look of understanding spread across her face. Edward listened as Angela put the pieces of the puzzle together in her head, quickly coming to the realization for the reasoning behind Bella's repeated trips to that particular restaurant. She opened her mouth to speak to Bella, but she was interrupted by the shrill ringing of Jessica's cell phone.

Edward could see Jessica's face light up in his peripheral vision as she pulled the phone from her pocket, and he could tell from her thoughts that the caller was none other than Mike Newton. She walked off by herself down the street toward the car that Edward recognized to be hers, yammering on and on with Mike about inconsequential teenage drama while she left Bella alone with the one friend who seemed to understand her.

Bella relaxed once she and Angela were alone, and Angela reached over and brushed a tendril of hair from Bella's face. It was then, looking at her in flesh and blood, that Edward truly saw how bad Bella looked. The deep purple crescents beneath her eyes revealed that she hadn't been sleeping. With all the planning he'd done, Edward never once stopped to think of how his absence would affect Bella's sleeping pattern. Of _course_ she'd have a hard time with it; he'd been by her side while she slept for nearly half a year.

Edward watched as Angela wrapped her arms around her friend and held her close. Bella's arms hung limply at her sides, and Edward wondered if she disliked the show of affection, or if it was just unwelcome. He knew that Bella had been uncomfortable with putting her emotions on display. During their time together, it seemed that she'd only ever been willing to share with him how she really felt. That thought made the shattered pieces of Edward's heart swell, but even then they still wouldn't fit together properly.

Eventually, Bella accepted the comfort that her friend offered and wrapped her arms tightly around Angela's waist. Angela smoothed Bella's hair, her fingers running through the chestnut brown strands that fell down past her shoulders.

"He's not coming back," Bella whispered, so low that even Edward's exceptional ears could barely hear the words, full of heartbreak and acceptance.

"I know," Angela sighed lightly, pulling her closer. He heard what Angela did not say: that it was pointless for Bella to keep coming here, and that it would only hurt her more in the end. Edward cringed as he heard Angela's flurry of unkind thoughts aimed directly at him.

Edward wondered if there was anything he could do that wouldn't hurt Bella. He put her in danger simply by being around her, and he hurt her even when he wasn't. For the first time since he'd left, Edward wondered briefly if perhaps he'd made a mistake. But he didn't let himself linger on that thought for too long, for no good could come of it. Fundamentally, nothing had changed. Bella would heal without him, it would just take a little more time.

"Can we go home now?" Bella asked, swiping an errant tear from her cheek with the mitten that covered her hand.

"Yeah, c'mon," Angela said, threading her arm through Bella's as they walked over toward Jessica's car. "My mom made sugar cookies. I could bring some over, and we can watch _It's A Wonderful Life_ until Charlie gets home. I mean, if you want to…"

"Um..." Bella hesitated, and Edward hoped that maybe she might smile, or do anything that reminded him of the girl she used to be. But she didn't, she just looked dead inside. "Could we maybe do that another time?"

The precipitation sped up and swirled around the two of them as they stood outside of Jessica's car.

"But it's your fav-"

"Some other time," Bella said, cutting Angela off. She opened the back door of the sedan, effectively ending the rest of the conversation as Jessica started the car and pulled out into traffic.

Edward didn't know what he was doing, but it was as if his arms had a mind of their own. Without even thinking, he turned on his car's ignition, and pulled out onto the road behind them. He kept a safe distance on the off chance that Jessica stopped talking long enough to notice that someone was following them. Even through the half-mile distance he kept between the two vehicles, Edward could still see Bella in the back of the car, head down, not participating in any conversation.

He told himself he just wanted to make sure she got home all right. He would make sure Jessica deposited her safely at Chief Swan's house, and then he'd leave. He _had_ to leave.

He drove torturously slow through the familiar roads between Port Angeles and Forks. He felt at peace again, and he wondered if that had something to do with the fact that he'd seen Bella, or whether he had simply been comforted by his surroundings. He'd never really thought of a place his family had lived as _home _before, simply because they moved too often to even bother getting attached. Nowhere had ever _felt_ like home before he met Bella.

Edward was careful to park at the end of Bella's street as he watched her get out of Jessica's car and lumber up the front steps of her house. He itched to go to her, but he had to restrain himself; his extraordinary self-control was one thing about his vampiric nature that he could consider a virtue. He _could_ stop himself from going to her. He _would_ stop himself from going to her.

Anxious to get out of the car and relieve himself of the pent-up stress he felt, Edward ran. He ran to his old home, and back to town through the woods behind Forks High. He ran until the snow stopped, and the cloudy grey sky became dark. He had no particular destination in mind. He just needed to run, to get away from her, to think. He stopped several times to feed, practically gorging himself on blood, hoping to ease the burning he felt from his throat all the way to his toes. He had a feeling there was only one thing that could ease his pain, and he wouldn't find it in any of the places he tried to look.

When Edward finally stopped moving, he hoped in vain for a sense of exhaustion, for a bit of tiredness to seep into his muscles. He wanted to feel weary, the way Bella looked. But as usual, his weariness was in his thoughts, while his body escaped the pain.

Edward stood in the center of a small, familiar clearing. He would've known this spot anywhere; he'd thought about it constantly for the past three months. He'd memorized the way the large cypress trunk hung limply across the ground, covered in moss, and the way Bella looked when she was standing in front of it, begging him not to leave her.

Edward sat down stiffly on the trunk, settling his elbows on his knees so that he could rest his head in his hands. Running his fingers through his hair, he could feel each individual strand move beneath his grip, and he felt like he was being torn in two.

_I knew you'd be here_. Edward looked up through the dense forest, and for the first time in months, he heard his sister.

Alice was beside him in half a second, and her body seemed warm next to his. Unable to contain himself, he enveloped her within his iron grip, resting his forehead on her shoulder. He was afraid she was a figment of his imagination, and that she would disappear at any second. He had to know that she was _real_.

"I don't know what I'm doing," Edward said, the words coming out like a strangled sob. He didn't even recognize his own voice.

Edward's hair fluttered around his face as the wind blew, and Alice rubbed her brother's back, ignoring the wet droplets falling from the canopy of trees above them. He looked over at her, and saw the weight of the last few months reflecting back at him from Alice's usually exuberant eyes. God, how he wished he would have realized the pain he would put everyone through before it was too late. Regardless, he wouldn't have changed one second of loving Bella, and he wondered exactly what that meant in the grand scheme of things.

Edward sat with his eyes closed, reveling in the familiarity of his sister's mind. He'd missed her thoughts and her spirit more than he'd been willing to admit. He'd been foolish to think that he could live without his family, and he was beginning to realize how foolish he'd been to think that he could ever live without Bella. Edward kept hoping that if he could somehow get in the right frame of mind, everything he'd done since September would all start making sense. It had been the sensible thing to do when he'd done it, but now, even in his sharp vampire mind, everything was all jumbled up, like a huge puzzle that was missing all of its important pieces.

_I've missed you_, Alice thought, tucking her head in the crook between Edward's neck and shoulder.

Edward leaned down and planted a kiss on her wet forehead. "I've missed you, too," he said.

_It's not too late to make things right, you know. _

Edward cringed against the vision he saw in her head: Alice and Bella walking with arms linked, their tawny eyes looking straight ahead as their skin sparkled in the sunlight. It was a vision that had haunted Edward since the day Bella had come to Forks. And apparently, it was one that, despite his actions, still had not changed.

_Please don't fight your own happiness_, Alice thought, pulling herself out of his embrace and looking at him sternly.

"It's not happiness I'm fighting, Alice. You know that better than anyone," Edward explained, his body tense and rigid, prepared for a fight. Regardless of how much he wanted Bella to be by his side forever, and he _did_ want that, he could not take her life from her.

_Edward, you don't see yourself very clearly_, Alice thought carefully. _A monster would've killed Bella in that classroom last year. A monster wouldn't have fallen in love with her the way you have. A monster wouldn't have been concerned with her safety, and a monster wouldn't have left her to try and save her from himself. _

Edward stood quickly, moving with slow steps to the center of the clearing. He could still see the faintest hint of footprints from when Bella had gone after him when he'd left. He stared at them for an immeasurable amount of time, thinking and absorbing Alice's words. She was correct. A monster wouldn't have done what he'd done; not out of love, at least. He sighed, finding it nearly impossible to reconcile that monster he'd always thought he'd been to the man he'd become when he fell in love with Bella.

_You love her. You can't be apart from her any more than I could be apart from Jasper. _

Edward felt the truth in her words, and he knew, deep down, in that place where he'd allowed himself to imagine a forever with Bella at his side, that Alice was right. It didn't matter if they spent three months apart, three years apart, or three decades apart. In the end, he would always need Bella. He would always return to her.

_She cries for you in her sleep at night, Edward. _

"How do you know?" Edward asked stupidly. Of course, Alice knew everything.

She smiled sadly, understanding exactly what he was thinking. _I heard her on my way to see you tonight_.

That was all it took.

Edward ran before he had time to talk himself out of what he was about to do. He dodged the low-hanging branches of the trees as he moved closer and closer to Bella, and he didn't worry about her soul, nor did he curse himself for being a monster. The only thought on his mind was that he was a man in love with a woman who needed him more than he'd ever let himself believe. It was that realization which propelled him up the familiar tree outside of the Swan residence and through Bella's still-unlocked bedroom window.

It was as if she'd known he would come to his senses and return to her all along.

"_Edward_," Bella sighed restlessly. "Why? Don't...no....come back, please. _Please_ come back." Her face was twisted in pain and confusion, and Edward felt the weight of the past few months come crashing down upon him as he rushed to her side to sit on the edge of her bed.

The cool skin of his fingers smoothed back a few strands of hair stuck to her face from perspiration, and he closed his eyes as he caressed her cheek in long, soothing strokes. His free hand took hers, and he brought it up to his lips slowly, reverently. He was finally, _finally_ home.

"_Edward_," she breathed in her dreams.

"I'm here," he said tenderly, cupping her cheek, his thumb swiping away a tear that had escaped. "Wake up, Bella. I'm here."


	4. Time

**Chapter Three: Time**

* * *

_Now, we can get through this thing all right. We've got to stick together, though. We've got to have faith in each other._ -George Bailey

* * *

Edward quickly swallowed the venom that pooled in his mouth as he sat beside Bella for the first time in months. Her scent, always so enticing to him, ignited a fire in his chest as well as his throat. But he would not allow anything to come between them again.

"Bella," he repeated, more firmly this time, as he continued to stroke her cheek.

Bella's eyes fluttered open, and the crease between her eyebrows told Edward that she believed she was stuck somewhere between dreaming and awake. He caressed her face again, hoping with everything he had within him that his touch would assure her that he was there; that he had returned to her after a fool's journey. She blinked, unbelieving, and her hand flew up and rested on top of his, as if it would give her final confirmation that he was indeed real.

Edward reveled in the heat of Bella's skin, and he swallowed back another wave of venom, completely unable to stop his physical reaction to her. It seemed his heart hadn't been the only part of his body that missed Bella. His baser instincts were on edge, but he refused to give in to them. Not after he'd come so far, and realized so many things.

"Bella." He whispered her name like a prayer upon his lips, running his thumb gently along the hollow underneath her eye, purple from exhaustion. Exhaustion that was _his_ fault. Edward was surprised at how easily it all returned to him; his need to be gentle with Bella, the effort required to restrain himself in her presence. He supposed that was because he'd never really stopped thinking of her, loving her.

Her heated hand slipped from on top of his, and Edward instinctively withdrew his own, placing it in his lap. He realized then that she hadn't invited him to touch her, and with the exception of the reflex touch of her hand, she hadn't moved to touch him, either. For all Edward knew, Bella didn't ever want to see him again, much less have his vile skin on hers. After all he'd put her through, he would, of course, understand that reaction.

Bella's face was still a mask of confusion, and just when he wondered if he'd made a mistake by waking her, Bella finally reacted to him. Although it wasn't in the way he'd been hoping for, it was in the way that he'd almost been expecting.

She sat up quickly and swung her hand toward his face. Edward saw her intent only a fraction of a second before her skin would've made contact with his, and he turned his head just in time for her to miss, a sickening air kissing his cheek which stung more than the impact of her hand would have. While he certainly understood Bella's desire to strike him, he would not allow her to injure herself to exact her revenge. Physical pain was never something Edward had feared, anyway. Denying him now after everything he'd done to her would've been a punishment fitting his crime, and it would've been one he would've tried to accept.

"Bella, you'll hurt yourself," Edward reprimanded, but his voice came out soft, wavering.

Bella laughed bitterly, her sigh causing the hair that framed her face to flutter in soft billows. "Funny that you worry about hurting me _now_," she said, and Edward's heart twisted under all the truths he had not yet told her. He reached out -

"Don't touch me," Bella said, her eyes wide as she stared him down. Edward could tell that even she was surprised by the strength of her words. Instinctively, he stood up and moved away from her, not wanting to upset her further. He had nearly forgotten what it felt like to fear the power she held over him.

"Bella, I-" he said, his voice louder than he'd intended it to be in his defense. The Chief's gentle snores wafted through the gaps in the door, and Edward paused to control himself. The last thing he wanted to do was wake Charlie up.

"Why are you here?" Bella asked quietly, pulling her covers up around her, shielding her body from him like a cotton suit of armor. "I thought you..._moved on_." The anguish in her voice was clear, even though Edward could tell she was trying so desperately to be strong.

"It would be impossible for me to ever _move on_, Bella." Edward assured her, taking a step forward to close the distance between them. "I _have_ never and _will_ never love anyone as much as I love you." As the words left his mouth, he felt as if he'd finally been unlocked from the chains that had been binding him, as if he could finally accept her love as willingly as she'd always given it. "I lied to you when I left, Bella," he said, taking another step toward her. She watched him warily, but did not ask him to retreat, so he resumed his spot on the edge of her bed, careful not to touch her.

"I needed you to be safe," Edward explained. He wasn't sure if the words were meant to soothe Bella, or to reassure himself that everything he had done was right, even if the past few months had shown him that he was anything but. "If anything had happened to you because of me, or my family...I love you too much to be responsible for hurting you. I couldn't exist knowing that I'd-"

Bella shook her head. She wouldn't look Edward in the eyes, and the thought of her purposely avoiding his gaze caused a shift in his resolve. Perhaps he'd been wrong in coming here. He felt like maybe he'd just ripped open a wound that, while still somewhat fresh, had finally begun to heal. He'd never had someone turn him in such circles.

"You loved me too much to hurt me, but that's what you _did_, Edward. How could you _possibly_ think that leaving me wouldn't hurt?" she pleaded, her shaking voice belying her stern exterior.

"I wasn't speaking of emotional pain, Bella. I was referring to the kind of injury that can never be reversed." He shuddered at the thought of what would've happened if his family hadn't been able to control Jasper that day; if any one of his brothers and sisters, or even _Esme_ for that matter, had lost one ounce of their carefully guarded self-control.

"I didn't die," Bella said softly, her jaw set in that stubborn way he loved so much.

He longed to reach out and touch her. But he wouldn't; she didn't want that. So he kept his hands clenched at his sides, praying for the moment he could feel her skin again.

"No, you didn't," Edward said, carefully tracing the pattern of her quilt with his eyes. "But you could have, Bella. You _could_ have. Don't you see how easy it would be for that to happen?" Edward pleaded with her to understand how dangerous his family was in moments like those; she was so stubbornly set on seeing the good in them all, she would not let herself see their flaws.

"You wouldn't have let anything like that happen to me," she breathed.

Edward noticed her use of the past tense, and he wondered if maybe the split between them couldn't be repaired. He didn't respond to her assertion, because in that much she was correct. He would've done _everything_ within his power to keep her from getting hurt, but he was scared that she relied too much on his self-control, on _him_. Edward had moments of weakness just like everyone else; he wished Bella would grasp that.

Bella noticed his silence. "Why did you come back?" she asked again, her voice so broken that had Edward not been dead already, the defeat he heard from her would've stopped his beating heart.

"Because I was wrong, Bella," Edward said tenderly, his eyes soft with all the love he felt for the woman sitting across from him. "I thought I could live without you if it was what was best for you," he explained.

"It was so easy for you," she said. "You didn't even look back, you didn't think twice about leaving. It was so easy for you to…" she paused, looking down at her fingers as they twisted in her lap, and for a moment Edward wasn't sure she would continue. "To stop loving me."

"No," Edward said vehemently, his eyes snapping up to meet hers immediately. He thought he saw a flicker of fear there, but it left as quickly as it came. "My loving you has never been in question, Bella. I love you more than anything in my entire existence. The danger I pose to you is the problem."

Edward watched her intently as she considered his words, but her face gave away no emotion. Bella leaned her head back to rest on her pillow, where she closed her eyes and exhaled deeply.

"You don't believe me," Edward sighed, and he felt as if his chest had been ripped open. He didn't blame her, however, and as much as he wished she would take him at his word, he more than understood why she was hesitant to do so. "I've been thinking about you for three months now, Bella. All I do is think about you, remember you, and how we were together. The way you changed me, how you make me feel-"

"If let you back in," she said, gripping her sheets tightly in her fists, "and I keep loving you, because…because I never stopped loving you, Edward," she said, her warm brown eyes gleaming with tears. Tears that existed because of him and his foolishness.

He couldn't help himself, he reached over to her and wiped one away with a gentle brush of his thumb. He was surprised that she let him, and he fought to bring his hand down. He wanted to keep touching her…forever.

"What happens to me when you get scared and leave again? You'll leave again, and…"

"No, Bella. I will not ever leave your side again, as long as you'll have me," Edward vowed. There was so much confusion in his life, but that was the one thing he was absolutely sure of now. He could never be without her, and he would find a way to keep her safe and make things work, as long as she wanted him.

"I want to believe you, Edward. It would be so easy just to…be with you again, but…"

"You can't," he sighed, and they were the most solemn, lonely words he'd ever spoken.

"Not tonight," she said, her eyes heavy.

He nodded and reached over to touch her cheek once more before he left. He would've given anything to stay with her, to hold her through the night like he used to, as if nothing had ever happened. But if he had any hope of earning what they'd had back, he had to leave her. He had to let her have her space.

Reluctantly, his fingers slid from her face, and he stood up to leave. Surprisingly, her warm hand caught his as he turned, and she tugged on it slightly. When he looked at her, her eyes were softer than they had been, and he thought that maybe, just maybe things might eventually be okay again.

"Stay," she said, her thumb rubbing circles along the back of his hand. Her eyes dropped from his, and she stared at their hands together as her thumb moved. "I sleep better when you're here." She looked so tired then that he would've sat by her side for a hundred years if it meant that she would get a peaceful night's rest. He hated seeing her stress written so plainly across her face.

"Okay. I'll be here when you wake up," he promised, and he knew that keeping that promise would be the difference between a future with Bella and a future alone. Bella needed to trust him again, and he would do whatever was necessary to gain that trust back, no matter how long it took.

Bella nodded, still not looking at him, and Edward moved from the bed over to the rocking chair that sat in the corner. It had been Bella's as a baby; Edward had spent so many nights sitting in it as he watched her sleep. He felt her eyes on him as he sat down gingerly on the creaky old wood of the rocking chair, and they sat there in the darkness, watching each other as the snow fell outside.

When Bella had finally drifted off to sleep, Edward ran his hands along the chair's old maple arms. It was one of his favorite places to be when he wasn't by Bella's side. He felt so connected to her in that spot.

The next morning, as the dreary winter fog gradually lifted outside of Bella's window, Edward stayed true to his word. He was exactly where he said he'd be when she woke up. If he had his way, and he hoped he would, she'd wake up to him every day for the rest of her life.

Bella sat up and rubbed at her eyes, watching Edward intently in the sober early morning light.

"I need some time to figure things out," Bella said, snuggling up to the pillow she held in her lap, as if it would somehow guard her from being hurt again. Edward hated himself for making her do that.

"Okay," Edward replied without hesitation. Bella had always been racing against time; trying to beat it, wanting to change, so eager to become one of his kind. Time was the one thing Edward had an unlimited supply of, and every bit that he had left belonged to her.


	5. The Meadow

**Chapter Four - The Meadow**

* * *

___I want to look at my flower._ - Zuzu Bailey

___I know-I know, but you just go to sleep, and then you can dream about it, and it'll be a whole garden._ - George Bailey _  
_

_

* * *

  
_When Bella had asked Edward for time, he hadn't anticipated just how much time she was asking for. He'd spent as much time with her as Charlie would allow, and sat across from her in her rocking chair every night while she slept. If their earlier relationship had progressed at the speed of lightning, their second time around was moving at a snail's pace. Winter turned to spring, spring turned to summer, and Bella hadn't so much as kissed him yet.

She was still guarding her heart, something which made Edward both proud and sad at the same time. Every day he marveled at the changes he'd seen in Bella, changes that no doubt evolved from the time she'd spent alone in his absence. She was no longer the shy, clumsy girl he'd known and fallen in love with. She walked around campus with her head held high, confidence radiating from her petite frame.

As the days passed, Edward longed for Bella to touch him the way she had before; her skin thrumming with passion that he'd had to push away from. He'd give anything to have _too much_ again, instead of the emptiness he sometimes felt in her presence. As time passed, Edward allowed himself to wonder what life would be like if they never returned to the place they were at before he left, all-consumed and enveloped in love, and the thought made him hurt terribly. That was, until the day when Bella changed everything.

It was a day just like all the others; Edward sat at the Swan's dining room table while Bella made a list of things that she'd need to take with her to the dorms when they started at the University of Washington in the fall. Edward had told her that he would follow her anywhere, and he meant just that. He'd tried to persuade her to go with him to Dartmouth, but she wouldn't accept his charity, and she seemed to be dead set on staying in the Pacific Northwest, near her father. Edward could understand why Bella was still hesitant to leave with him, and he didn't argue with her. In fact, he rarely found himself arguing with this beautiful, headstrong girl he was in love with. No longer did he think he was the be all and end all authority on what was and was not good for Bella Swan.

"Edward?" she asked, pushing her hair behind her ear as her pencil fell on the table, rolling across the notepad she'd been scrawling upon.

"Yes," he answered, sitting up straight in his chair, giving her his undivided attention. He reached across the table to take her hand, and he was pleased that she let him hold it. He'd been so tentative with her over the past few months, allowing her to set the pace for their reconciliation.

Bella ran her thumb along the veins on the back of his hand, and his eyes fluttered closed as he basked in the warmth of her silky skin. He savored every touch, not sure if he would have the chance to feel it again, understanding now more than ever how fleeting love could be. He would never take anything about her for granted again.

"I'd like for you to do something for me," Bella said, blush creeping up her porcelain skin, painting her cheeks such a lovely hue.

"Anything." Edward was so enthusiastic to do something for Bella that he barely let her finish her sentence before he answered her.

"I want you to take me to the meadow." Bella hesitated for a moment, looking at their entwined fingers. "_Our_ meadow." She looked up at him, her eyelashes fluttering like butterfly wings along the top of her eyelids. It seemed like an eternity since she'd looked at him like that, and Edward felt electricity shoot throughout his body.

He ran his fingers up her arm, around the curvature of her shoulder and along the column of her neck, where her jugular, her _life_, pulsed beneath his hand. His fingers knit through the relaxed waves of her soft brown hair, and he cupped her cheek, his thumb stroking the spot beneath her eyes. The last time he'd touched her there, she'd been crying, but there was no sadness in her face now. There was only acceptance and tenderness as she looked at him, snuggling her cheek against his palm.

Edward dared to move closer to her, feeling the connection between them spark once again after seeming dormant for so long. Possibly long enough for Bella to come to terms with their relationship, and to realize that she did, in fact, want him again. He would've lived with her forever as her friend, but he wanted more, and if he were being honest with himself, he _needed_ so much more than that. He existed for the feel of her skin on his, and her lips on his. For _everything _about her.

"When?"

Bella reached up and put her hand on top of Edward's, the heat from her skin scorching through his. And for a moment, just_ one_ moment, he almost felt human again.

"Now," she breathed, and laughed at the inhuman quickness with which he moved, and led her out to his car.

Bella smiled out the window as Edward drove at illegal speed to get to the place where the road ended and their quiet spot in the woods began. She said nothing on the journey; she didn't complain about his driving nor ask him to slow down. The feeling of Bella's hand in his told Edward everything he needed to know, and for the first time in so very long, he smiled.

When they finally reached the place where the pavement turned to dirt, Edward parked his car and helped Bella out. They walked to the tree line, hands entwined, and when he took his first step into the woods, Edward heard Bella's heartbeat increase and her breathing hitch. It didn't take him long to understand her panic; they hadn't been in the forest together since that day that seemed a million miles away from where they stood now.

They'd discussed things, of course. The ins and outs of why Edward left, the lies he'd told, and the penance he was willing to pay to make things up to her. He would do whatever he could to make sure Bella felt safe with him always; not just physically safe, but safe emotionally, too.

Edward swallowed the frustration he felt, for he vowed to be patient with her, and he needed to be mindful of the damage one lie could do. It could negate a million promises in an instant, and make someone scared to trust again. He'd done this, and he'd have to live with the consequences for as long as it took to overcome them, if they could ever overcome them at all.

Edward looked down at Bella, and saw the rueful smile on her face. He felt hope from her expression, at the fact that she seemed to be bothered by her hesitance.

"Come with me," he said, reaching out and tenderly brushing a tendril of hair away from her face. His hand lingered there, hoping that he could reassure her without words. Words, he'd learned over the past few months, were much less meaningful than actions.

Bella smiled at him, her face blushing that lovely pink that Edward adored so much. It warmed his hand, the blood beneath her skin, and it began a trail of warmth that traveled the expanse of his body.

They walked a few feet into the forest before Edward spoke.

"We could walk the whole way there," he said, giving her a smile. "Or we could get there _faster_."

Bella smiled, knowing exactly what he meant.

"If you trust me, that is," he said, reaching his hand out toward hers. It was her decision; it would always be _her_ decision.

"I trust you." She pushed a lock of her hair behind her ear before he helped her up onto his back.

Bella gripped him tightly, and the feel of it thrilled Edward. She hadn't held him for months, not since he'd returned to Forks last Christmas. Edward reveled in the sensation of the wind against his skin, the way the extra weight of carrying Bella made his muscles flex. He didn't go as fast as he was capable of, for fear of scaring her. He knew it had taken her a while to get used to his speed, and, God willing, she'd give him the chance to get used to it again.

He came to a slow stop when they were halfway to their meadow.

"Are you okay?" Edward asked, rubbing her calf with his thumb.

"Yes," she said breathlessly, and he worried for a moment that perhaps he should stop, but her grip on him was still firm, not panicked.

"Okay," he replied. "Squeeze if you want me to stop."

"I don't want you to stop," Bella breathed, and Edward fought every instinct he had not to turn around and put his lips on hers. Instead, he started off at a steady pace before returning to his sprint.

As he ran, Edward felt Bella's lips on the back of his neck, and the warmth delighted him. It was at that moment he knew that today's trip to the meadow wasn't going to result in one of the talks they'd had frequently, examining their (well, _his_) past failings. No, today wasn't going to be about their past.

Today was going to be about their future.


	6. Forever

**Chapter Five - Forever**

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_I know what I'm gonna do tomorrow, and the next day, and the next year, and the year after that. _- George Bailey

* * *

When they finally reached the clearing, Edward came to a stop. The smell of the pollen, the grass and the flowers overwhelmed him. He was brought back in time to the day he'd first brought Bella here, a day which seemed so far away and long ago, back before a lie had changed them both forever. Edward looked down at Bella, taking her hand in his, and he smiled as she brought it up to her lips.

Long, buttery streams of sunlight shone down through the trees, creating the perfect spotlight in the middle of the small meadow. Bella tugged on Edward's arm, leading him right to the place where the sun was shining. She took her seat on top of a fluffy patch of grass, right in the midst of the sunlight. Edward smiled as he sat down across from Bella. She had always been fascinated by the things he'd kept hidden, the things which made him what he was.

Bella reached over and gently tugged on either one of Edward's legs, and he spread them out in front of him, just like she wanted. Bella moved quickly, settling herself on the grass in between Edward's thighs so that she was facing him, their chests only inches apart.

The pads of her fingers touched his luminous skin, and she smiled up at him in wonderment. Before their separation, this would've been the time he'd make a joke about her loving a monster, but now, now that he'd known what it was like to live without her, he said nothing. If she loved him, it didn't matter what he was.

Edward reached over and tucked a lock of hair behind Bella's ear, smiling at her as she watched his face. He wondered briefly what it was she was searching for there, and if she'd found what she was looking for. Bella's fingers twisted in his hair, and her mouth was so close...

"I've missed you," Bella whispered, her breath like a warm breeze across his skin.

"I've been right here," he said, his hand moving to cradle the back of her neck. For the past few months he'd been right by her side, for he vowed he would never fail her again. Edward knew he would not be given a third chance. This was it, his only guarantee, and he intended to make the most of it.

"I know," Bella laughed, as her hand traveled down the cold planes of his chest, her touch blazing, even through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. "That's not what I meant."

"Explain then, please," he begged, smiling at her as his fingers traced the contour of her neck to feel the warm, soft, pulsing of her heart. It seemed like eons ago that he'd been tempted by her smell. It was no longer appetizing to him; it flooded his body with the warmth of her, and a desire that was unlike any he'd ever experienced before.

"I missed..." she paused, her face reddening. No matter how much Bella changed, in some ways, she'd always remain the same. That thought comforted Edward more than he would ever admit. "I missed being with you. Like this," she said, moving her mouth to skim the line of his jaw. Her touch was so light, so hot, so heavenly.

"I wasn't entirely sure you'd ever want to be with me _like this_ again," Edward said, his voice sounding oddly strained despite the relief he felt at her admission. His fingers traced lines from her wrists to her shoulders, and he couldn't help but smile as he felt her skin pebble beneath his touch.

Bella sighed, running her fingers down the side of his neck. "I always _wanted_ you," she admitted as she looked down at the ground, her voice quieter than it had been earlier. "I just wasn't sure if I _should_."

Edward nodded, understanding her dilemma more than she would ever know. Of course, he knew what she didn't say. She hadn't trusted him not to leave her again. She was no longer sure if this was right.

"Bella," Edward said quietly, tenderly. "Look at me please," he requested, gently placing his fingers beneath the soft skin of her chin. Her eyes met his hesitantly, and Edward smiled, finally feeling the honesty and the intimacy the two of them had been missing. "I know words don't mean much to you anymore," he began, brushing his fingers over Bella's protesting lips. "As long as you want me, I will be here."

"But what if-"

Edward cut her off quickly, hoping to bring Bella's mind back from where he knew it had already gone. "We'll be careful," he said, his hand drifting up along her spine. "And if something happens, we'll deal with it. I can't keep fighting what I am and what I want, Bella. All I can do is ensure that the two exist together as peacefully as they can."

Edward had always wished he were human, so he could be with Bella the way he'd desired; but even then there would always be danger. Car accidents, illnesses, missteps. It would be impossible for him to guard her from everything all the time. His weakness as a vampire came with several strengths. It was about time he used them to his benefit - and hers.

Bella sighed against Edward's neck, and he smiled. He knew then that she had finally begun to let herself believe what he'd been showing her for months. He _wasn't_ going to leave her, and that her heart was safe within his care. Edward let himself enjoy the feel of her in his arms again, running his hands up and down her back, across her shoulders, around her waist. His nose traced a line from her chin to her earlobe, as he enjoyed the smell of her without fear for the first time.

"Edward?" Bella whispered, and the sound of it made the silent center of his chest feel whole again.

"Yes," he replied, his voice calm and his eyes closed.

"Will you kiss me?" Bella's voice was timid and shy, but her body flushed with want. He could feel her desire pulsing beneath her skin, her heart tapping out a rhythm that was meant only for him.

Edward slowly brought his hand up the side of her neck, the pads of his fingers gliding gently across the skin there. He moved his mouth to meet hers and as their lips touched, it felt like the first time he'd kissed her all over again. Only this time there was no fear, no hesitancy. He was confident that he would not, that he _could_ not ever hurt this woman.

Bella wrapped her arms around him firmly but cautiously. She didn't allow her mouth to linger on his, always so considerate of Edward's struggles. When their lips parted, Edward was thankful for this wonderful woman with her extraordinary heart, and the neverending forgiveness which it held within. He didn't deserve her, but he would work for the rest of her life to come close.

They sat quietly in the sun, foreheads touching, breaths intermingling, bodies entwined. It was what Edward always imagined Heaven to be like; just the two of them together, always.

"What are we going to do when I'm off at school?" she asked, breaking the long bit of silence between them. "I'll come home on the weekends, but-"

"Bella," Edward interrupted, leaning back so she could see the honesty on his face. "I told you - I will be at your side until you no longer want me there," he explained.

"You're coming?" Bella asked, confused, even though her voice was full of excitement.

"Well, I certainly hope so, otherwise that deposit I sent is a huge waste." He smiled.

Bella giggled, and the sound of it delighted him. "So, this is...we're going to...we're going to be together?"

"There's no other way for me to live," Edward admitted.

"You said _live_," Bella exhaled after a moment, her voice full of wonder as her fingers ghosted along the back of his hand.

"Yes," he replied, smiling. Bella smiled back at him, her eyes bright. She looked as if she'd just made a life-changing discovery. "What?" Edward asked, laughing.

"Nothing." She traced the lines of his palm with her fingertip, the surface of his skin glimmering in the sunlight. "It's just that I've never heard you talk about 'life' like that before. You never used the word..."

"Existing without you," Edward said, gently clasping her hand in his, "made me realize what a wonderful _life_ I had with you, Bella. I was foolish to think that my leaving would be better for either one of us. You make me feel _alive_. When I'm with you I feel like a man, not a monster."

Bella smiled triumphantly, as if she'd just won a marathon. "You didn't always feel that way."

"I learned so many things while we were apart," Edward admitted, knitting his fingers with hers. "I've been so foolish where you were concerned. I never treated you like an equal, Bella. I thought I knew what was best for you in every circumstance, and I don't think I'll ever be able to apologize for how truly wrong I was."

"I wanted to hate you for leaving me," Bella said, leaning over to kiss him softly on the cheek. "But I think that in the end that it might've wound up saving us."

"I think you," Edward whispered, brushing the tip of her nose with his lips, "are very smart."

"So what now?" Bella asked, resting her head on his shoulders as she wrapped her arms around him.

"Now we have forever." Edward ran his fingers through her hair, twirling the ends around his fingers before the strands slipped through his grasp. He was so happy and at peace, that for once he didn't carefully monitor his every word around Bella.

Bella stiffened, and Edward immediately understood that he'd said the wrong thing.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

"_Forever_," Bella sighed, slowly, uneasily.

"You've reconsidered." He did not miss the irony in the fact that Bella had finally given up her dream of eternity the very moment Edward believed that he would be willing to give it to her. He felt both relief and disappointment at her hesitance, but refused to let her see it. He'd always wanted her to remain human, to have human experiences. It was the one thing that all of his time and money could never give her once it had been taken away.

"I'm just...I'm not sure if that's what I want…" Bella admitted quietly. "I had time to reevaluate some things while you were gone, and...it's not that I don't want _you_," she hedged, quickly becoming flustered in her effort not to offend Edward. "I'm just not entirely sure how I feel about _forever_ anymore. I guess…I guess what I'm trying to say is that I no longer feel the urgency to do it _now_. I just want to live a little, and then decide whether or not…changing…is something I still want to do."

"All I want is for you to have a long, happy life," Edward assured her. He never wanted Bella to feel like _she_ was depriving _him_ of anything.

"Where does that leave us?" she asked, her body tense, as if she were attempting to shield herself from a quick, sharp blow.

"I want to spend your life with you, Bella. That's where it leaves us. We'll have to do things a little unconventionally, but-"

"When have we ever been conventional?"

Edward laughed. "Excellent point."

"So, if I decide to remain human, you'll stay with me, even when I'm an old woman, all wrinkled and gray?"

"You'll still be as beautiful to me then as you are now, Bella," he replied, kissing her temple. "I want you to have all the human experiences your heart desires. I don't want you to miss out on anything you want to do because of the life you've chosen with me."

"When you say _all_ the human experiences," Bella ventured, the heat of her finger tracing the collar of Edward's t-shirt.

Edward laughed; Bella's raging teenaged hormones were always so very predictable. "I'm not sure I can be intimate with you right now, Bella. Not for lack of wanting, mind you," he added quickly, careful not to hurt her feelings. "I just need a little more time to be...sure of myself."

"Just time?" Bella asked hopefully, squinting her eyes against the sun.

"Yes, I'm just asking for some time. I promise you we'll try, Bella. I can't guarantee anything, but we will try." It was a promise that he didn't want to make to her, but their life together would be made up of compromises. This would be his.

"What do _you_ want?" Bella asked, shifting her body on his so that she was partially covered in shade now.

"You," he replied simply. Everything really did come down to that.

"That's it?" she asked, the tiniest bit of her insecurity shining through for one brief, fleeting moment. She had always doubted her worth, and Edward wished that she could see what he saw when he looked at her.

"One day," Edward began, lifting her fingers up to his lips before resting her hand on his lap. "I'm going to ask you to marry me, and I'd very much like for you to say yes."

Bella exhaled a shaky breath, and Edward smiled despite the disappointment he felt at her reluctance. "No?"

"I just need a little more time...to be sure of myself," she said, repeating Edward's earlier words.

"Just time?" he asked hopefully.

"Just time," Bella replied, running her fingers through his hair. God, he'd missed that feeling. "Maybe lots of it," she laughed.

Edward kissed Bella's warm, soft lips, and he dared to think about their future together. It didn't matter how they defined it - in human or vampire years - for as long as Bella wanted him, he would be hers.


	7. It's A Wonderful Life

**Epilogue - It's A Wonderful Life**

* * *

_You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away? _- Clarence Oddbody

* * *

Bella sat on Edward's lap at the end of his mother's modern designer sofa wrapped in a warm cocoon of blankets, snuggled firmly beneath the crook of his arm. Edward leaned down and buried his face in her hair, which still smelled so strongly of cinnamon, the result of the two day snickerdoodle baking marathon she'd just completed on Charlie's behalf. They were his favorite.

Bella was a woman possessed at Christmastime, but this year seemed different from the ones that had come before. She'd spent most of their winter break with Charlie, cooking and freezing meals for him to eat when she and Edward returned to school for their final spring semester. Sitting in the trunk of Edward's car was a top of the line fishing pole Bella had bought from a specialty store in Port Angeles. She'd gone to so much trouble to make things special for Charlie this Christmas, and Edward wondered if Bella was beginning to say a final goodbye to her father. He wished that Bella would tell him what was going on inside that beautiful, inaccessible mind of hers.

Soft flickers of light flashed across Bella's face as she watched her favorite movie intently, a holiday tradition that she'd insisted upon involving the Cullen family in. They agreed, since Bella was one of their own now, and because even something as small as watching a movie together at Christmas made them all feel just a little more human.

Edward smiled as his eyes roamed the room and drifted across the faces of his mother and father, who sat beside each other hand in hand, still in love with each other after so many years. Alice and Jasper sat across from them, her head on his chest. Emmett stretched out on the floor in front of the television, his head propped up on his elbow, his arm tightly wound around his wife's waist.

It had been so long since all of them had been together; Edward had been living in Seattle with Bella during his latest stint at college. A year ago, Carlisle had moved the family to Astoria, yet another necessary fresh start after the years marked the faces of the people of Forks, and continued to leave the Cullens untouched. In the summer, after graduation, Edward and Bella would join them there. They had come here for one last Christmas before severing ties with the community completely, moving on yet again to another stage in their nomadic life.

Bella took a sip of the hot chocolate Esme had made before carefully placing it on the coffee table in front of her. She always paid rapt attention to this part of the movie; a romantic at heart, she could never resist a true love story. Edward took her left hand, where his thumb moved just above the knuckle of her ring finger. He'd wanted to put a diamond there to symbolize their engagement, but Bella insisted on wearing only a simple gold band once they'd bound themselves together forever. This summer, they'd do just that.

Edward brushed his lips along the line of her jaw before coming to rest at her ear, where he whispered softly in time with the television, making her a promise with someone else's words.

"What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary." Blood rose to flush her delicate skin, and Edward smiled against her cheek.

Bella leaned back against Edward's chest, the soft glow of the Christmas tree Alice had decorated to the hilt reflecting in her warm eyes. Presents overflowed from the bottom of the tree, like a brightly-wrapped consumerist avalanche. When they opened presents on Christmas morning, Bella would balk at the extravagance his family heaped upon her, even though he knew she would enjoy her presents nonetheless. He couldn't wait to give her his gift, which was hidden in his room upstairs in a box at the top of his closet. It was the type of present Bella loved: simple, from the heart, and it didn't cost a dime.

A small tear forged a wet trail down Bella's cheek as George and Mary Bailey dodged a storm of rice on their wedding day, and Edward smiled as he kissed it away, loving how wonderfully sensitive Bella was.

Hearing the ecstatic thoughts of his mother, Edward turned toward her, her gentle, loving eyes meeting his. She smiled so brightly as she held Carlisle's hand, and he'd never seen her look more proud.

_I didn't think I'd see the day when you let yourself be this happy_, she teased, her lips curling wryly. Edward smiled at her; he was used to his family's good humor regarding his previously dour and uptight ways. In fact, he rather enjoyed it now that, as his mother had put it so succinctly, he'd allowed himself to be _this_ happy.

When the movie ended, Bella said her goodbyes before walking with Carlisle and Esme to the front door. "I've given Edward some sweets to give to your father, Bella," Esme said, eyeing the large red bag in Edward's hand. "Please make sure he gets them, and tell him that we wish him a Merry Christmas."

"I will, Esme," Bella replied as her arms encircled Esme's waist. "Thank you so much for having me over."

"You are our family now." Esme reached up to cup Bella's cheek, looking at her the way only Esme could. "You are welcome whenever you like."

"Bella," Carlisle said, leaning over to hug his daughter goodbye. "As always, it was a pleasure. We'll see you two tomorrow morning?"

"Definitely," Bella replied as Edward helped her slip into her coat. "Merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas." Esme wrapped her arm around Bella, and as the two of them walked out to her truck, Carlisle embraced Edward in an unexpected hug.

Such displays weren't entirely rare for Edward's father, although he had to admit the timing was odd. Carlisle pulled away, resting his hand in the crook of Edward's neck as emotion clouded the perfect features of his centuries-old face.

Edward could hear the worry that still lingered in his father's mind. While the future of Bella's heart had been decided, the fate of her body had not. Carlisle wondered if his son could handle being in a marriage where Bella aged and he didn't, once time had caught up with her human body, and their difference in age truly began to show. He worried about what would happen to his beloved child when, years from now, his mate's time on earth came to a natural end. However, above all the worry, the doubt, and the fear, was admiration and love. But most of all, there was happiness. Pure, unadulterated happiness that his son had finally, after so long, allowed himself to have everything he ever desired.

Edward wanted to beg his father not to worry. Regardless of whether Bella spent her remaining time on earth as a human or a vampire, they would be together, and that was all that ever mattered. But he and his father had been through this scenario many times, and Edward knew Carlisle's mind would never truly be at ease until Bella joined their family in immortality. That decision, however, belonged to Bella, and Edward would not pressure her.

_I love you, son_. Carlisle patted him on the shoulder, and smiled as his eyes looked out to his wife standing in front of the house talking animatedly to Bella.

"I love you, too. I'll...I'll see you tomorrow," Edward said, feeling like there were so many words that needed to be spoken between them, but the simplest ones often times said the most important things.

Bella threaded her fingers with Edward's on the old leather bench seat of her truck as they drove through the streets of Forks on their way back to the Swan home. Bella marveled at the bright light displays on the homes they drove past on the narrow roads through town. When Edward pulled up into Bella's driveway, the lights from the Christmas tree shone out into the yard, casting a rainbow colored glow on the front lawn. Edward raced over to help Bella out of the car, and walked her up the stairs to the door. He was in such a hurry to return to her that he managed to leap through her bedroom window before the bells that hung from the wreath adorning the door rang indicating it had been shut.

Edward sat patiently on Bella's bed as he listened to her brushing her teeth in the bathroom down the hall, looking up at the mistletoe he'd snuck in and hung from her ceiling earlier in the day. When Bella entered the room with a rush of spearmint toothpaste and soap, she smiled when she saw Edward waiting for her.

"Impatient, aren't we?" she asked, walking towards Edward too slowly for his liking.

"For you? Always," he breathed, echoing his intent with each of his words.

When Bella reached him, she settled on his lap and looked up at the mistletoe, smiling. "What's this?"

"Well, according to legend," Edward said, tracing the neckline of her sweater with the tip of his index finger. "I'm required to kiss you, since we're underneath it together."

"You _just_ want a kiss?" Bella teased, her mouth leaving a heated trail from his chin to his ear.

"I never _just_ want a kiss," he whispered, his breath chilling her skin. Edward didn't think there would ever come a time when he'd tire of seeing the effect he had on the woman he loved. "But tonight," Edward began, gently lifting Bella's sweater over her shoulders. "We'll start from there, and see where our mouths take us."

Bella laughed, and Edward reveled in the warm feel of her breath against him. He closed his eyes, and let his hands explore her skin with a feather-light touch, always mindful of how fragile she was and how careful he needed to be with her, especially when they were together like this. Bella's fingers knit through his hair as their lips met, and Edward found himself becoming lost in her, completely.

Later, as they lay together tangled up in the limited expanse of Bella's tiny bed, Edward ran his fingers through her hair as she slept soundly with her head resting on his shoulder. He thought about how far they'd come since he'd come back into Bella's life on that cold night exactly four years ago. How much she'd grown and changed him. How they'd healed each other.

Edward smiled at the thought of their upcoming wedding day, and how happy Bella was to give him her forever. And Edward knew now, that if the day ever came when Bella asked him to, he'd be happy to give her his.

* * *

**Judging by the reaction this story seems to be getting, I'm guessing this open ending will be unpopular. I didn't say it outright, but if you read between the lines, you'll realize which choice she made. Thank you all for reading. If you have any questions, please let me know!**


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